Katie Millar Wirig, M.A.
Empathetic listening is the act of being able to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and really hear what they are expressing.
One of the biggest complaints that people have when struggling in their marriage is that they
don’t feel understood or heard. In fact, we can talk to someone till we are blue in the face and
still feel like we had zero connection to that person. Conversing is a two-way street. Often
marriages and relationships deteriorate due to faulty communication patterns. Lori Gottileb
explains that in relationships people crave hearing “I understand you” as much as “I love you.” 1
For this reason, couples should take an active role in learning how to listen empathetically to
their spouse.
What Is Empathetic Listening?
Empathetic listening is the act of being able to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and really
hear what they are expressing. It is an active process, not passive. It will take practice and
intention to master it. Consider this example:
A wife has had a hard day of working, caring for children, and completing a long list of to-dos.
The husband has also had a hard day at work and just got back from a work assignment that
kept him out of the home for a couple days. When he gets home, he is expecting love and
affection, but instead, his wife is visibly upset and tired. Here is how the conversation goes
without empathic listening:
The wife complains about the housework. She vents how it is overwhelming. She is
frustrated that she can’t get ahead.Husband hears the complaint as an attack at him for not being there to help. He feels
justified in not helping because he wasn’t even home, so how could he have helped?
When he hears this complaint he yells back, “what do you expect of me? I wasn’t even
here! I don’t know what you want from me!”
In this example, the husband heard the complaint as an attack on him. He listened only from his
own perspective, and because of it, the comment felt personal. To protect himself he lashed
back at her.
Consider this interchange with empathetic listening:
The wife complains about the housework. She vents how it is overwhelming. She is
frustrated that she can’t get ahead. (Note how nothing has changed about the wife’s
complaint.)Husband tries to imagine himself in his wife’s shoes. He thinks about how hard it would
be to be home by himself doing 100% of the care of the children and the house while
he was away. Even though he can’t change it or fix it, he fully recognizes that it has
been a hard week for her. He listens to the complaints and thinks, “how would I have felt
if the roles were reversed? Would I feel overwhelmed and tired? Yes.” After listening to
his wife’s complaints, he doesn’t defend himself. He knows her comment is less about
him and more about her feelings in that moment. He chooses to validate how hard it
has been for her. He then asks if there is anything he can do to help her feel less
frustrated.
As you can see, when we listen empathetically we have to remove our own reaction from the
conversation. The focus in on understanding. Ideally, the wife, after she has been heard and
validated, will empathetically listen to her husband as he relates the highs and lows of his day.
Tips for Empathic Listening
Try to just listen without thinking of a response.
Set your own emotions aside and try to feel the emotion the other person is feeling.
Do not try to solve the problem for them.
When you are able to feel their emotion, validate it for them. Let them know that their feelings
are merited. (This doesn’t mean that you condone their response or actions, just that you
understand the emotion they are feeling.)
Remember that their feelings are not your fault, so there is no need to defend yourself. Even if
you feel like they are attacking you, try to set defensiveness aside and listen with the intent to
understand, not defend.
What Empathic Listening Can Do For Your Marriage
When couples are able to fully listen to each other, they get insight into their spouse’s thoughts
and heart. As couples do this, they will find that conversations which were once explosive start
to resolve. Usually fights happen repetitively simply because one person didn’t feel validated or
respected. Once they start to feel like their partner understands them, they can move forward
even if no real solution is reached. Most disagreements don’t have simple solutions. Amazingly,
when you truly listen to your partner, you will learn that the problem is less about being solved,
and more about the person craving understanding. When you understand your partner, you will
have more compassion and love for them. As George Orwell said, “Perhaps one did not want to
be loved so much as to be understood”.2 May we all strive to better understand those we love
through actively practicing empathic listening.
For more helpful tips on family, relationships and mental health follow us on instagram @TheBalancedMindProject
References
1 Gottileb, L., (2019) Maybe You Should Talk To Someone: A Therapist, Her Therapist, and Our
Lives Revealed. Boston: Houghton Mifflin Harcourt
2 Orwell, G. (2021). Nineteen Eighty-Four. Penguin Classics.
